Stewart Levine’s work with “Agreements for Results” and his “Cycle of Resolution” (included in The Change Handbook) are unique. Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into Collaboration, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, San Francisco, a BK bestseller, was named among the 30 Best Business Books of 1998 (the 2nd edition came out in 2009); The Book of Agreement: 10 Essential Elements for Getting the Results You Want, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, San Francisco, was endorsed by many thought leaders and named one of the best books of 2003 by CEO Refresher. ResolutionWorks.com

Summary: This chapter provides critical elements for engaging in real dialogue with others - Critical communication skills – how might we engage and talk TO each other. The most important skill is listening

We communicate all the time, yet most of us have never been taught how. Most of us would be challenged to describe what communication actually means, how to do it well, and how to get better at it—especially in conversations that matter.

Most of us have experienced how frustrating it feels not to be understood or have been awkward in communicating about something in a way that works. By “works” we mean that everyone intended to understand others’ experiences and points of view, and that people feel listened to, heard and respected. This does not involve right vs. wrong or assuming that our way is the only way. As we say elsewhere in this Handbook, we can listen to others and still think for ourselves. This is true for easy conversations and much more so for challenging ones.

Let’s use this definition to get to a deeper understanding of what it means to have communicated beyond the physical acts of sharing words and gestures:

Communication happens when people share information (speaking, non-verbal and listening) to get to a place of shared meaning (not necessarily agreement) about what they were

talking about. People feel heard and understood.

You can think of this chapter as a primer in general communication skills so our personal, professional, communal and political lives can be more satisfying and successful.

When engaging with others there are some critical skills participants in thoughtful conversations ought to keep front of mind. Some experienced communicators do this naturally. Others are not so practiced. This is more important when engaging with others that have different points of view. The most important thing to keep in mind is being diplomatic and tactful. Without impacting the substance of what you will say it’s important to use word choices and non-verbal behavior that do not generate defensiveness. You can learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.

Underlying many of the principles, processes and conversational techniques in this manual is how we actually talk to each other to voice deeply held beliefs about things that are important to the individuals engaged in dialogue. I know because I wrote one of the chapters about a conversational process for moving through differences and conflict. Follows the consolidation of many years working in this milieu. At some moment in time I realized, working in the context of divorce mediation that as important as the process were the words and aspects of non-verbal communication employed.

Some of the keys are:

Mindfulness

Though not a communication tool it is the essential presence necessary to engage with people who have different views. The potential for edginess in these dialogues will be present when you choose to engage with people who are different from you. What will be necessary to have these dialogues will be the capacity to stay present, manage your triggers and understand who the other is, what their views are and how their viewpoints developed. To have any chance of getting to a place of shared meaning will require some preparation and skill. Most important, it will require intention.

Curiosity

This is a critical mindset frame when engaging with other who have different views. Try to understand without rejecting their viewpoint out of hand. Develop a “learner mindset” to learn the specifics of their belief systems and the origin story – the history about how those viewpoints and the values behind them developed.

The Power of Personal Connection: Martin Buber and Object / Subject Relationships

About 100 years ago German writer and philosopher Martin Buber wrote a book called “I/Thou.”

The essence of the message was that we have choices when engaging with others. We can treat others as “objects” such as the VP, the Tech Guy, the Lawyer vs. getting to know each of these individuals such as their history, family, interests and aspirations. These would be “subjective” relationships. Finding out who people are and creating relationship makes all things easier when communicating with others.

As an aside some experts have attributed the origin of the lack of civility in the US Congress as not being members of the same DC community. In years past families would be in DC with their elected official partner. Now everyone goes back to their districts on weekends to raise campaign funds. Bottom line: It’s much harder to demonize someone who you see at the PTA or supermarket.

Recognizing Differences: Speaking to Others, Not Yourself

Even though we speak English and wear western dress we have different operating systems. The technology metaphor is abt. Not unlike developing subjective relationships becoming more audience centric when communicating is essential. The kind of differences I’m talking about are those revealed in assessment instruments like Meyer’s Briggs, DISC or Relationship Strategies to name a few. When we don’t think about who they are we are literally talking to ourselves. Sometimes that works when there is alignment. Most of the time it’s like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. No matter the effort if you’re not speaking their language messages will not go in.

Non Verbal Skills:

When creating messages most people immediately look for the right words first. And yet research reveals that the Non-verbal (visual and vocal) is between 70 and 90% of messages received. So often what generates defensiveness is the response to body language and tone of voice. Of course word choice can be inflammatory so that is important, but not as powerful as the non-verbal. By way of example my aspiration is that I can deliver any content message (poor performance, firing) without generating defensiveness. It’s important to develop mindfulness around our non verbal communication.

Creating Connection: Mirroring | Identifying

Having real connection with others makes it so much easier to have conversations that are edgy. There are two ways to do that: one verbal and one non-verbal. The verbal one is easy. Look for things you have in common that creates connection such as love of dogs, a sports team, place of origin, kids. On the non-verbal side connecting energetically by mirroring the other person will help create connection and rapport. Notice their pace and volume of speech; degree of animation; manner of dress. Some people reading this might resist giving up their individuality. I understand. You do have a choice of weather you engage your way or be more effective.

Use "I" Statements:

Speak from your own experience to prevent generating defensiveness. For example, I could say:

“ You make me so angry when you are late for my lecture!” or “ I feel disrespected when you show up at 9:30 for a program that begins at 9

The former makes the receiver feel judged and made responsible for someone else’s emotions while the latter shares facts and let’s the receiver assess their own behavior...it’s inclusive and creates connection

Design Effective Messages: Know | Do | Feel

Often, when we communicate our aim is to influence in some way. Generally people are moved by emotion, not rationality. That said, the following questions are an efficient way to design effective messages....

What do you want them to think or do

What feeling will generate the motivating emotion. What do they need to know to generate the emotion that will lead to action

Responding and Reacting: Choosing What You Want To Say

One of my cherished mentoring conversations was when my then sixty-five year old law partner took me aside when I was in my twenty’s and said to me “ Stewart, when I was about your age a trusted friend said to me to always remember that “You cannot unpunch someone!” I’ve held that message in my heart because it’s a very effective mantra. Once you punch with words or deeds you create the polarization of opposition and the nature of the conversation changes. Communication as we have defined above is compromised.

The power of PURR: When you react without thinking it’s like a punch. A great tool that will help create a pause so you can respond is the PURR mantra:

P – pause before you respond

U – during that pause try to understand what is going on in the conversation

R - reflect on where you want to take the conversation

R - respond in a way that furthers the dialogue

Escalating Conversations: “Don't Bark Back at Barking Dogs”

Managing heated conversations is a critical tool when people have divergent views or values. A critical guide is to never escalate into a shouting match. When they get louder you get softer and more curious. When they get agitated and emotional it’s time for you to get factual.

Fine Tuning: Providing Effective Feedback

I’m using feedback here in the sense of going back and forth in service of creating clarity and common understanding and shared meaning, not being critical. The back and forth of responding to what is being said is an effective feedback loop that helps creates an understanding of what someone else is saying. Reflective listening is a good tool wherein you paraphrase what you think they said and wait for their validation or correction.

The Most Powerful Tool: Listening

I said earlier that being heard and understood is one of the markers that communication took place. Some of the critical elements of listening include the following. Before that I must say that listening is one of the few activities in the world of human relationships that does not require anything from the other. Nothing is required from them. All you need to do is decide that you are going to be in service to what they want to say. You don’t need permission or cooperation. You put your concerns aside and pay attention for the purpose of comprehension of what they want to communicate. You are in service!

Different kinds of Listening: Sounding Board; Empathy; Validate; Appreciative; Reflective

Using Thinking Speed Wisely: When we listen we have a great deal of excess capacity because we

have the brain space to listen to many more words than are being spoken. To stay engaged as

others speak it’s important to be asking questions such as what am I learning; why are they

telling me this; how will this be useful; what else do I need to know

Being Open to Influence, The-Four Fold Way by Angelis Arrien: I’ve always felt that the key points

of her book get at the essence of having hard conversations. This summary (left column) and my

editorial (right column) says it all.....

Show Up: Be Present for the Conversation

Pay Attention: LISTEN to what’s being said

Tell Your Truth: Operative word is your....always multiple truth’s

Don’t Be Attached to Outcome: Be curious to learn and shift your views