One of the greatest challenges we have when it comes to citizen participation is our capacity to engage in useful conversations with people who have views and beliefs that are different from ours. As a conflict resolution professional and a student of human communication, I know that a great challenge is to accept that others live in a reality that is different from ours. It’s not better or worse, just different!

Our media does us no great favor when we see pundits talking at each other instead of talking to each other. And what passes for political “debate” serves no one. It appears as just another opportunity to make another stump speech interrupted by questions and yet another politician making his or her speech. I call it “arguetainment!”

If I were in charge, all candidates would have the opportunity to have real discussions “with” each other, educating and inventing solutions based on the mutual concern for people’s business. I designed the “Cycle of Resolution” when I was doing divorce mediation. My operating principle was that if the models worked in the context of divorcing couples, they would work anywhere. And they do!

A key part of citizenship is the ability and right to effectively engage in dialogue and debate as a means of exploring differences and resolving conflict through some form of civil discourse. My work and writing focus on providing the simple conversational skills that enable sustainable collaborations through crafting “Agreements for Results” and using the “Cycle of Resolution” to handle disagreements. The graphic is a summary of the principles, steps and elements.

Before jumping into the conversational steps of the model I must mention some critical tools of the communication process.

“I” Statements

This is one of the most underutilized techniques for effective communication.

The great mistake we make is to criticize the words or deeds of another by judging them. A classic example:

“You make me so angry when you are late.”

That is a double whammy—blaming them for your negative emotion and judging their behavior. This type of communication is guaranteed to generate the push- back of a defensive response. A much more effective message would be:

“I was very angry when you arrived at 9, when you promised to be here at 8.”

Let them assess their behavior and you will often get an apology and a promise to do better. The formula:

“I was (your emotion), when you (describe their behavior).”

Listening Skills

Effective communication is a bridge building, two-way, give and take, interactive, iterative process. It is essential to spend as much time hearing their message as composing yours. The best way to fully understand and appreciate the value of listening is to spend some time only listening. Imagine wearing a sign that says:

“I’m not speaking today, only listening.”

You will be amazed at how much you miss because you are focused on your

own voice and what you will say in response to what you hear, never fully giving yourself to the listening process because you are already focused on responding before they have finished, and before you have fully digested the message. Please, amaze yourself by discovering how different a message is when you become an observer of how you listen. Here are some tips:

1. Active Listening: This means “whole-being listening”

2. Paraphrasing: This is the best way to make sure the bridge is connected

3. Engage Fully: Give them all of your ATTENTION and PRESENCE

4. Do not interrupt

5. Hold back on judgments

6. Ask questions

Object/Subject

Martin Buber makes the very important distinction between “I/It” and “I/Thou” relationships. “I/It” relationships are object-oriented—we think of others as objects to be used and manipulated for our own purposes. “I/Thou” relationships are subjective—you honor and care about the other person.

One of the tragedies of our culture is that we reduce others to objects and as instruments for our own advancement. People become tools to use to accomplish this or that and we suffer the lack of not knowing them as individuals. If you can relate to others as compassionate human beings, your connection and communication will be much more effective. The “I/Thou” context will generate a much deeper level of concern and respect. People will be able to listen more attentively to your messages.

Non-Verbal

Communication is composed of three parts:

Visual—Appearance of the Deliverer

Vocal—Tone or Mood of our Message

Verbal—Content of the Words

About ninety percent of what we “say” is non-verbal! We communicate by the way we look and the tone, mood and affect of what we say.

Now that you have a frame for the conversation and some specific skills for engagement, it’s time to learn about the thoughts and belief systems of others.

For more communication tips please see Chapter____ the Communication Toolbox.

The cycle in the diagram provides the conversational framework for turning even the most charged issues into conversations in which learning and resolution can take place. The principles that make up the “Attitude of Resolution” will frame your mindset. It will enable exchanging and listening to stories with an open mind and heart.

Getting complete will neutralize the emotions in the situation. That will clear the way for you to craft an agreement for successfully being with others even when you have different beliefs and opinions. The goal is to find out what their real concerns are. What does the other value and why? What solution would take care of your concerns and theirs? This is where the collaborative negotiations begin. This also provides tools so that everyone can benefit from learning how to turn conflict into collaborative thinking and so that everyone is better able to make thoughtful decisions.

Here's what the dialogue model looks like to move through differences of opinion and to a place of sustainable collaboration: